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About Richard Bowker

Author of the Portal series, the Last P.I. series, and other novels

First sentences

I finally got around to starting my new novel today.  I wrote the first sentence, which goes like this:

I was standing in the snack-food aisle of the 7-11 when I saw her.

Pretty good, huh?

Let’s compare it to first lines of the top 20th century English-language novels, according to these guys.

Here’s Ulysses, which came in first:

Stately, plump Buck Mulligan came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror and a razor lay crossed.

That’s fine, although it doesn’t stand by itself.  In second place is The Great Gatsby.

In my younger and more vulnerable days my father gave me some advice that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever since.

Again it doesn’t stand by itself; you need to read on to find out what the advice was.  Next is A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man:

Once upon a time and a very good time it was there was a moocow coming down along the road and this moocow that was down along the road met a nicens little boy named baby tuckoo . . .

Well, first sentences just don’t get any better that.

Let’s try number 4, Lolita, skipping the hilarious foreword:

Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins.

OK, that one’s great, too.  The whole first paragraph is incomparable.

Fifth place is Brave New World:

A squat gray building of only thirty-four stories.

Good but abrupt.  Like Lolita, missing a verb, and you need to read the entire (short) paragraph to get the point.

Anyway, I’ve been put in my place.  And now I want to re-read some novels.  Which I’d better not do, or I’ll never write the remaining ten thousand sentences.

Writers in movies: The Romantic Englishwoman

Another in a random series.

The Romantic Englishwoman is a 1975 movie with A-list credentials: it stars Michael Caine and Glenda Jackson, it’s co-written by Tom Stoppard, and it’s directed by Joseph Losey (who also directed Accident and The Go-Between).  I love Tom Stoppard, but I hated this movie.

Caine plays a successful novelist and screenwriter; Jackson is his do-nothing, dissatisfied wife.  They have a beautiful kid, a beautiful house, beautiful friends, a nanny, but, well, you know.  Jackson goes off to Baden Baden for reasons she can’t articulate.  Caine is insanely jealous.  She comes home and in turn is jealous of him and the nanny.  He decides to write a screenplay about all this.  He invites the good-looking drug dealer she met in Baden Baden (Helmut Berger) to stay with them, basically trying to stage-manage his screenplay.  There are complications.  Jackson runs off with the drug dealer; Caine goes in pursuit.  They get back together again, in an abrupt ending that neither my wife and I understood in the slightest.  But perhaps that’s because we had long since stopped caring.  (By the way, that sexy poster has nothing much to do with the movie, although Jackson does have a brief, weird nude scene.  It’s kind of depressing to think that she’s now 78.  We should all stay young and gorgeous forever!)

You can see that intelligent people were behind the movie.  It’s about fiction mirroring reality (or maybe vice versa), and it seems like half the shots in the film involve showing someone’s reflection in a window or a mirror.  The plot has the makings of a thriller (the drug dealer is being pursued by bad guys), but the movie shrugs this off in favor of baffling deep meanings.  (And the Caine character tells his producer that he doesn’t want to write a thriller.)  But the movie didn’t bother making anyone even slightly sympathetic, so I just wasn’t interested in the deep meanings.

Caine’s character isn’t particularly interesting.  He’s a selfish jerk, which is of course entirely accurate for a writer, but we don’t get any sense of why he’s so successful, what makes him tick, or how he writes.  I can think of a couple dozen Michael Caine movies that I enjoyed more.  And virtually anything else by Tom Stoppard.

Bad advice for writers; also not funny

At first I thought this article on Bad Advice for Writers was pretty funny:

Advice #4: Correct negative reviews

There are only two types of reviews: the positive kind, and the kind where the reviewer didn’t understand the book. A bad review of your book is actually a cry for help!

Whenever you see a negative review that makes you say to yourself, “I should reach out to this person, perhaps in a borderline illegal fashion,” by all means do so. Find out where they live if you want! Show up on their doorstep and offer to politely explain how they simply failed to understand your novel. Make it clear that this is something they need to resolve within themselves and not a reflection on your work, and also that there’s no need whatsoever to call the police, so please put down the phone and stop crying.

Interaction is what reviewers are really looking for from you, the writer. Words like “awful” and “incomprehensible” and “this may have been written by a very dumb parrot” are really their way of saying, “I have failed to fully grasp your clear brilliance and would like for you to explain it to me”. So get out there and interact!

Then I read this, and I stopped laughing:

In an update to the fabulously written Goodreads review of Brittain’s awful self-published opus, a reviewer going by the pen name of Paige Rolland describes how Brittain stalked her Facebook page, discovered where she worked and traveled all the way to Scotland where he violently hit her over the head with a full bottle of wine, causing her to be hospitalized.

The reviewer describes the attack:

I was in the cereal aisle, bending down to get something from the bottom self. When I stood up, something hit me on the head. Hard. At first, I thought that maybe I’d hit my head off the shelf, and as everything started to spin and go black, I wondered how the hell I could be so stupid as to hit my head so hard. My vision was black, and my hearing was muffled, but I was very much conscious – I did not pass out (and this is important ’cause of my pride). I turned and put my hands out to lower myself to the floor gently, which is something my mother has always taught me to do should I think I’m going to pass out. It prevents further injury. As I lowered myself, I heard the tinkle of a bottle on the floor and I thought that something had fallen on me (even thought there is definitely no wine in the cereal aisle).

This is inconceivably awful.

And then there’s this weird story.

Who are these annoying little people who are reviewing my book on Amazon?

Advice-columnist Margo Howard is distressed that she received bad reviews of her recent memoir from real, ordinary people on Amazon.  The reviews were written by Amazon’s Vine community, and Ms. Howard didn’t like them one bit, finding them “inaccurate, insulting, and demonstrably written by dim bulbs.”  She finds the very idea of being reviewed by these folks distressing:

I can see the valuemaybefor man-on-the-street reviews of cold cream and pots and pans, but books?!

(I love the interrobang.)  And:

Books, of course, can be and are reviewed pre-publicationbut by reviewers who are attached to magazines or newspapers. “Book Reviewer” is considered a profession, and reviews are done by other writers. Good sense would seem to militate against any group of people unschooled in creative and critical reviewing coming up with a worthwhile review. The Vine people, who deal mostly with products for the home and the body, seem inappropriate bellwethers regarding products for the mind, if you will.

Luckily, Jennifer Weiner is around to offer some sensible words in response:

Howard frets that the Amazon attack hurt her book’s chances. There’s no way to tell if that’s true, but I’d give readers the benefit of the doubt. My guess is that they can sniff out a review that’s the result of baseless jealousy or an unfounded agenda, the same way they’ve learned to dismiss five-star fan-girling from an author’s BFFs, colleagues, or mom.

If the Amazon reviewers slammed Howard’s work without reading it, that’s a problem, and Amazon should address it. If they panned Howard’s book because they didn’t like it, that’s reality, and Howard need to figure out how to live with it, and to come to terms with publishing in 2014. Everyone is a critic. Everyone’s got a soapbox. And the worst fate for a writer isn’t being attacked … it’s being ignored.

Here, by the way, is a review that just popped up on Barnes & Noble about my novel The Distance Beacons:

Wow, Violet! This was great! Thanks so much for recommending it to me! (Haha, sorry for the typo) Your style is absolutely wonderful! Please keep going, and l will keep reading! <p> Thanks again for reading mine, Ring &infin

Huh?  Actually, there seems to be a random conversation going on between a couple of people, carried out via reviews of my novel.  Luckily, all their reviews are 5-stars.  At least I’m not being ignored.  I think.

 

Why Amazon is not a monopoly

Franklin Foer of The New Republic has joined the ranks of folks with Amazon Derangement Syndrome; take a look at this article.  The best response I’ve seen is this blog post at the Washington Post (now owned, of course, by Jeff Bezos). To Foer’s assertion that big publishers just can’t compete in the face of Amazon’s demands, the author points out the obvious:

They just can’t compete?  Why the hell not?  They can’t sell their e-books from their own websites?  Why is that?  Or at barnesandnoble.com?  Powells.com?  Ebooks.com?  The ebook market is, as the antitrust lawyers say, as “contestable” a market as one can imagine, with virtually no barriers to entry.  Sell your stuff there, at whatever price you want to sell it at.  If you want Amazon to sell your stuff, you have to take their terms.  It’s not “exacting tribute”!  It’s “business as usual.”  If you don’t like it, go elsewhere.

Of course, convincing people that Jeff Bezos is the devil and Amazon is an evil empire is one way of competing; I don’t find it a very compelling approach, though.

As I mentioned in another post, the one time I wanted to buy a Hachette book on Amazon lately, it took me three clicks to find it at Barnes & Noble with a 20% discount.  No monopoly here.

Here’s the first chapter of my new novel

As I mentioned, the book is called Where All the Ladders Start.  Those of you who have read its predecessors, Dover Beach and The Distance Beacons, will notice that I use a standard private-eye opening in all of them.  Except, of course, life is different in this fictional universe.

The remaining 35 or so chapters are coming soon to your local ebook store . . .

***********

I got off my bike and stared at the guy in the brown robe.  The guy in the brown robe stared at me.  He was sitting at the front of a cart piled high with apples, pumpkins, squash, and other fall produce; half a dozen dead turkeys hung from hooks at the back of the cart.    He was big and broad and scary, with small black eyes, long stringy hair, and a scraggly beard that was interrupted by a deep scar on his left cheek.

“Hiya,” I said, trying to break the ice.

He stared at me for a second, and then his eyes moved to the horse, who ignored him.

“Looking for me?” I asked.  “Walter Sands?  Got a bit of a late start today.  Sorry if I kept you waiting.”

The guy didn’t respond.  I hadn’t really expected him to be looking for me.  But Lower Washington Street was an odd place to park a cart filled with food.

“The Food Market is a few blocks over,” I tried.  “They’ll love your stuff.”

Nothing.

“Well, have a nice day.”

He didn’t look like he was interested in nice days.  Fine.  The world was filled with strange people, and he was just one more of them.  I walked around the cart and entered the building that housed my spacious, well-appointed office.

Okay, those adjectives aren’t entirely accurate, but the place fits my needs, which mainly consist of a stove to keep me warm and shelves to hold the books I read to pass the time while I wait for clients to show up.  Also, a desk and a couple of chairs in case a client actually does show up.  Not that this had been happening much lately.  Or, well, ever.

I carried my bike inside and walked upstairs.

From the hallway, I noticed that the door to my office was open.  I always close the door to my office when I leave at night.  Of course, the door doesn’t lock, but that doesn’t really matter.  Nothing worth stealing in my office.

I took out my gun.  I wasn’t especially worried, but it pays to be careful.  “Please don’t do anything stupid,” I announced, and then I went inside.

And there, sitting by my desk, was the most beautiful woman in the world.  She was wearing a powder-blue robe, and she was staring at me.

“Mr. Sands,” she said calmly, ignoring the gun.  “Do you remember me?”

It was impossible to forget her.  “Of course,” I said.  “Sister Marva.  How are you?  And please, call me Walter.”  We had met during one of the many disastrous episodes in my previous case.  She was a disciple in the Church of the New Beginning up in Concord.  Long black hair, creamy white skin, deep blue eyes.  I found it hard to break my gaze away from those eyes.

I sat down behind my desk, and that’s when I noticed that she was pregnant.  Well, that was interesting.  Beautiful pregnant woman shows up in the private eye’s office, needing his help.  That’s the way it’s supposed to happen.

“So, um, what can I do for you, Sister?  The last time we met—”

“You almost killed Brother Flynn,” she reminded me.

“Yes.  I’m very sorry about that.”  Flynn Dobler was the leader of Sister Marva’s Church.  A very smart, charismatic fellow.  I snuck into the Church in the middle of the night and pointed a gun at him while he lay in bed.  I remembered Marva coming in and leaping on top of him, desperate to protect her master from the intruder.  All because of a really stupid theory I’d come up with about a kidnapping I was investigating.  This had not been my finest moment as a private eye.

“It’s all right,” she said with a sympathetic smile.  “Everyone makes mistakes.  But now we need your help.”

“We?  The Church?”

She nodded.

“Why?”

“Brother Flynn has disappeared,” she said, and the smile faded, and her beautiful blue eyes filled with tears.

“Disappeared?” I repeated.  “How?  When?”

“A week ago.  He was there one night in his room, and then—in the morning—he was gone.”  The tears started falling down her cheeks.

This was the way it always happened in the novels I’d read.  And now it was happening to me.  But this didn’t feel like a novel—this was a real human being, shedding real tears.  I wanted to comfort her, but I also needed to do my job.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” I said.  “Was there a note?  Were there witnesses?”

She shook her head.  She wiped her cheeks with the sleeve of her robe.  I wished I had a handkerchief to offer her.  In my novels, the private eye always had a handkerchief.

“You’ve checked around the farm, I suppose?  There are plenty of wild animals, especially once you get outside the city.  Wolves.  Wildcats.  Feral dogs.  Probably some crazies, too.”

“Yes, of course.  We’ve looked everywhere.”

“Well, um, any theories?  Do you suspect foul play?”

Sister Marva lowered her eyes.  “Brother Joseph does,” she murmured.

“Who’s he?”

“Well, he’s the disciple—who, who runs things.  Brother Flynn’s second-in-command, I suppose.”

“Who does he suspect?”

“You should ask Brother Joseph, I think.  He asked me to come here and talk to you.  Because I go to the Food Market every day, with Brother Reggie.  He’d like you to come up to Concord and investigate.”

Brother Reggie was presumably the giant in the cart.  “You said Brother Joseph suspected foul play,” I said.  “What do you suspect, Sister Marva?”

She blushed.  “I think that perhaps God took him from us.”

I struggled to figure out what she meant.  “You mean, like, he died of natural causes?”

She shook her head.  “I mean—God brought him up to heaven.  While he was still alive.  Because He loved Brother Flynn so much.”

“Why do you think that?”

“Because Sister Lucy saw it happen.”

“Sister Lucy saw Brother Flynn get taken up to heaven,” I said, making sure I had this straight.

“Yes.  You should talk to her too, I think.”

“I think you’re right.”  Maybe a more experienced private eye would have decided right there that this case wasn’t going to be worth the trouble.  But I’m not very experienced.  And, frankly, I had nothing better to do.  I decided to change the subject.  “By the way, congratulations on your pregnancy, Sister Marva.”

She smiled and inclined her head.  “It’s a blessing.”  Her smile made you happy to be alive.

“Do you mind my asking: is Brother Flynn the father?”

Her face clouded and she looked down at her belly.  “I don’t think—I don’t think that has anything to do with Brother Flynn’s disappearance, Walter.” she replied.  And then she fell silent.

OK, one more mystery.  I considered.  My friend and occasional employer Bobby Gallagher had a van, but it was out of commission while his driver/mechanic Mickey tried to scrounge or repair or manufacture a gasket or a flange or a defibrillator or some-such item; I don’t know much about vans.  “I’ll take the case,” I said.    “But if you want me to go up there today, I’m afraid I don’t have—”

“You can ride with us in our cart,” Marva suggested.  “We return to the Church after we finish selling our food.  We should be at the Market now, actually.  I’m sure Brother Reggie is tired of waiting.”

I considered some more.  “That means I’d have to stay the night at the Church,” I pointed out.  “I need to be back in Boston tomorrow.”

“We come to the Food Market every day.  You can come back with us in the morning.”

That was that, then.  I had a case.  “All right,” I said.  “I get two new dollars a day.  Ten dollars in advance.”

Sister Marva gave me another smile.  She looked relieved and grateful.  “That would be wonderful.  But would you prefer to be paid in food instead?”

That wasn’t a bad idea.  Inflation was getting to be a problem.  Who knew what the money would buy when I got around to spending it?  “Food would be fine,” I replied.

We went back down to the street, where Brother Reggie did not in fact seem to be tired of waiting.  It wasn’t clear that he had even moved since the last time I set eyes on him.  But his face lit up when he saw Sister Marva, like a dog greeting his master.  Marva and I agreed to meet at the Food Market later.  I filled a bag with produce from the cart and grabbed one of the turkeys.  Looked like ten dollars’ worth to me, and Marva didn’t haggle.  Then Brother Reggie helped her up onto the cart, and they headed off.

I watched them go.  The Church of the New Beginning.  Leave the past behind, it preached.  Start fresh—no technology, no government, none of the baggage that still weighed so many of us down.  Look at where all that stuff had led us.  Reasonable enough, I supposed.  The past had certainly ended up badly.

But now, strangely, the Church had a missing-person case on its hands, and it had decided to call on that useless relic of the past, a private eye.  Well, I had already seen some strange things in my brief career; no reason for this case to be any different.

I brought my bike out of the building and arranged the sack of food over the handlebars; I held onto the turkey.  Then I pedaled home to the townhouse in Louisburg Square where I lived with Gwen, the most wonderful woman in this godforsaken world, and Stretch, the most wonderful dwarf in the world.  Both of them were at work—Gwen at the Boston Globe and Stretch in the governor’s office.  I put the turkey in the icebox and the produce on the kitchen table, and I wrote them a brief note:

 

Off on a case!  Won’t be back today, but I will be back tomorrow.
Enjoy the food.

–Walter

 

There, that would intrigue them.  I left the note beside the produce, and I headed off to the Food Market, munching one of Marva’s apples.